Tag: reminiscences

On relationships

Back in November/December last year when I was still hopeful of meeting the One, when the idea of polyamory was as alien as living on Mars, I recorded this in my diary:-

The fact is that dating many is really quite fun.  I can’t see myself settling down with any of these new dates or anyone for that matter.   It’s possible that I might find romance and love again but there’s no one at the moment who fulfils all my requirements.  Until then I dally and tarry with the ones who might do just for now.

With these I meet up, chat and share the odd evening together.   Of course it’s always fun going on dates and I allow, even indulge myself a fantasy that he might be the one as I prepare to see any one of my current beaux.  I still hedge my bets and don’t quite end things with 2 others and there is a possible 3rd in the wings as this is the time of year when everyone has already made plans, myself included of how we’re to spend the holidays – so as of the present I’ve yet to meet the next one.

My current favourite is a small bespectacled bald nerdy fellow who makes me laugh but seems the most emotionally balanced and kisses really well.  He doesn’t rush things, said that he would prefer not to enter into a physical relationship from the outset for fear that it clouded our reasoning and would rather that we take our time getting to know each other.  We have agreed to be honest about our intentions and he knows that I am keeping my options open and dating others.  He has said that he, on the other hand cannot juggle more than one relationship at a time and is not seeing anyone else.  I too am sceptical about the fate of this relationship because he does not have a good track record – the longest he has ever been with anyone was only 4 months!  But he admitted to being a late starter.

The one who is energetic has moved things up a gear and suggested a more intimate dating activity involving a massage.  I am not so naive to believe that a massage is all that it is.  I don’t feel ready to indulge beyond a massage myself and it will surely be a test of how much I like him enough to go further.

Looking back I do laugh at myself – the late starter bolted at the beginning of the year but has recently got in touch.  When I think of him I am reminded of wary animals in the wild that edge cautiously and circle whatever temptation may be on offer, ready to flee at the slightest threat.  The massage with the adventurer rapidly turned into something more intimate and it was I who fled the scene.

Last week Jan and I attempted to plan a holiday together but the dates have now been moved into the summer due to our separate domestic arrangements.  We made a loose date over the bank holiday weekend to continue discussions.    Max and I in the meantime have slowed down our dates to once a week and spend less time texting or emailing each other – the novelty of getting to know one another has worn off and perhaps the drifting away has begun.  Most of my relationships seem to follow this pattern – a heady start, cooling off and drifting apart followed by a re-acquaintance and friendship.  Where’s the elusive One?  It’s almost sine qua non that he must accept my continued friendships with past lovers.  Lars has an open relationship with his partner where they encourage each other to meet new people all the time.  Our relationship is purely sexual and I believe his partner does not feel threatened or jealous by it.  What is jealousy but a fear that someone else would take our place?  I used to have to coach myself against this negative emotion – it requires a great deal of self-belief and confidence in ourselves and our partners to overcome it – in any event, it’s a useless feeling and I’m less affected by it now even though it still lurks.

lilith’s sultry song


Three Lovers by Theodore Gericault

i had him before you and i know him well

he’ll soon tire of you and where will you go?

come to bed with us, and i’ll keep you safe

lovers us three, you, with soft milkiness

drink the honey that pours ‘tween olive lips

of darken’d warm desiring – like heaven

on this earthly bed we can re-create

pools of liquid rapture, embalming love

the bad, bad girl – text chats with D

i’m not really a bad, bad girl – i tell my lover

i didn’t think you were

just as i’m not a bad boy

(although i really am) – he says

‘course you are – i reply

he winks back a smiley at me:  😉

so what would this bad girl like to do later tonight?

I’m hoping you’ll tell me … what are you doing right now?

just had a shower. My thoughts start with walking up behind you and kissing the back of your neck – which i know sends little shocks down your spine. Then lifting up your top i’d kiss you down the middle of your back.

Shall I continue?

Mmm … i’m at a bus stop.  It’s just a little steamy doing this on my phone in public … but yes, please go on

then I will turn you round. kiss you on your lips and brush my lips slowly down your chin, your neck and to your breasts

I’d lie you on the bed. remove your skirt and continue to kiss downwards

Would you like that?

can’t wait! … tell me what you want me to do.

i’d love for you to do that thing with your mouth.  would you?

so you enjoy oral? can you visualise me on my knees in front of you, my feet and legs in high heeled boots stretched out behind me.  i slip my hands down your body to your belt, undoing that,  unzipping your trousers, sliding your cock out, my lips are around you, you getting bigger, sliding in and out between my red, red lips

I would love that.

 i’d feel you about to explode and stop, squeeze my lips on the tip. you’ll turn me round and bend me over a table, feel how wet and ready i am to have you inside me, you can’t wait as you slip on a condom, your other hand feeling my wetness, you put your fingers inside me and feel me squeezing them

fuck … looking forward to this evening

walking away … looking back

you asked me just the other day

were you a different person then?


all that time we were together

me living under your shadow

i’d put you on that plinth

so of course

you fell.


in the end ’twas an easy choice

when all we had left

was bitterness

and bile;

i left

though some part

of me was quietly hoping

you felt the same – would ask me back

so that together we might start all over again.


i waited and waited

and you never did.

now i see at last

I’m not that girl any longer

ten years have since passed

today i’m a little stronger.