Tag: reflection

feeling unsettled

I saw Jan the other night – he’d invited me to his local and I went because we hadn’t seen each other since the last time before he went away, halfway across the globe to attend a cousin’s wedding.

It was a strange evening – I was tired and his friends seemed aggressive in their bantering irascibility.  Back at his we spent a companionable couple of hours on the sofa before his lodger, an ex returns.  I kiss him goodnight just past midnight and drive home.  Neither of us slept well.  His sleep punctuated by surreal dreams – of weddings, not unusual as he has just returned from one.

I think sometimes that he is self absorbed – a little unaware of the needs of others around him. Is that why Carly and his other women fall to the wayside?  I’m still around, he must like me.  I like him but am wary, of giving too much away.

In contrast to this relationship with Jan is the one I have with Goran.  I love the wild sex with him and always have.  But he isn’t always accessible as he lives with his young family and jealous, alpha wife.  The sex was punishingly good last night, even though we had tried to keep our hands off each other for the first hour or so.   I flirt with the thought that we might be something more to each other than lovers but know that I want his marriage to succeed.  And because of this I keep my emotions in check.

This morning we went for some coffee at our local coffee bar.  I was feeling a little rough as we’d finished a bottle of cava between us and some red wine after that.  We kissed chastely outside and go our separate busy lives, until next week.

It bothers me that an ex thinks it is un-womanly my having so many lovers.  I am not ashamed of it.  I don’t draw attention to this lifestyle but the men I date are aware of it.  It bothers me to think that they might think badly of my character or morals but I don’t really aspire to that kind of virtue/morality.

I couldn’t fully focus on writing today as distracted by the men who send me messages, I am flattered by their attention, and break off from what I’m doing to reply to them.

Jan asked me up to his this Friday and I made arrangements to stay over at his.  We had a slight misunderstanding but it was cleared up in minutes – when we both openly spoke our minds.  I have been feeling a little over sensitive and vulnerable lately, my senses working overtime, occasionally picking up slights where none were intended.  I am grateful I have his warm friendship and feel a little guilty for thinking early in the week that he might have been self-absorbed.  No one is completely without virtue.

across continents and being at home

How’s the dating?

It’s Jan’s turn to trot across the globe this time and we swap travel tales and tips, he sends me pictures of dishes he enjoyed on his exotic holiday.  He asked me how I was doing with the dating and it’s become a happy pattern now of seeing two or three different men in the week.  Even R has returned and become quite fun to hang out with.  We went to see that very quirky dystopian film The Lobster before going on to a restaurant and then a pub for more drinks.  Finally at about half eleven he walked me to the station and we kissed and hugged each other goodbye.  It was friendly and lovely and we promised to see each other again before he had to go away to dangerous destinations for work.

I told Jan about the Texan who entered my dating life a few weeks back.  But not in any great detail because apart from his sartorial elegance and Harvard background he is still very new and a little unknown.   We take our time between dates and I marvel at my own restraint – perhaps I’ve learnt to savour and enjoy the entire experience, the delicious anticipation, confident that my expectations will not be disappointed.

And of course there’s Goran over whom my heart still skips a beat occasionally.  But the fact that he belongs elsewhere has tempered my enthusiasm and I have sought to distract myself by reading the consolation of philosophy and other works by that  philosopher of the quotidian.  It has given me some comfort to know that my motives in seeing him remain selfless in so far as I don’t wish his marriage to end.  Whilst he remains married to another, we might continue our love affair in a bubble of indulgence each happy to please the other, fully appreciating the short time we have together and making the effort to delight and soothe.

the entrance to the keep

I usually love the giddy experience of falling in love.  It induces a high and I’m sometimes reckless enough to risk a broken heart.  The other evening I agreed to another dinner and movie date with an ex. Some seven or eight months have passed since our break up and the only form of contact had been when he sent me a birthday text on Facebook messaging.  That had been some six months ago and things had still been a little raw.  With the passage of time I no longer feel embarrassed at the way things fell apart at our last meeting though and was curious about how R was getting on.

We met at the cinema and then went to have a meal at a restaurant next door.  The cuisine was East Asian and the whole experience felt vaguely familiar.   When we were dating last year we’d tended to have a movie and dinner date which involved going to an east Asian restaurant. He was easy company and we surprised ourselves by there not being many  more awkward moments.   In fact he had quite a few entertaining tales and we swapped anecdotes.  We decided to enter a square of green and sat down on a sunny spot.  There were parties of families dotted around the space.  One had even brought their own collapsible chairs and tables and a few were enjoying wine and pizza.  The sun was beginning its descent but the evening was warm and balmy. The sky was still clear and blue without even a hint of a stormcloud even though the forecast had been thunderstorms since the previous day.  On that patch of grass we’d sat cross legged and he made me laugh out loud with a story about the prudish establishment and a feature toilet cubicle at the top of the Shard.

He was very pleasant company and I couldn’t help wondering where this might eventually lead.  I am sufficiently wary not to want my heart broken but it would be so easy to fall in love with him all over again.  I tell myself that it would be extremely foolish to repeat the past but as we teased and flirted with each other over the course of the evening I wondered how the date would end.  We walked back to the cinema and he got us both some red wine.  I’d chosen a cushioned bench and we both semi reclined on it.  The place had been done up so that it was now concrete, glass and steel.  The cushioned seating were shades of grey and stainless steel.  It wasn’t exactly comfy but it was oh so stylish and elegant!  We lounged companionably and I let him take my hand on the pretext of showing him some of the scars the bee stings had left in the recent past.  He stroked the bumpy blemishes and I told myself that he was merely being solicitous and there was nothing suggestive in his manner.  Later in the cinema auditorium itself we settled into our sofa seats.  Throughout I was conscious of his close proximity but the film was riveting.  At one stage he stroked my upper arm deliberately with his fingers but I gave him no encouragement and after a while he stopped.

When we came out of the cinema we found the ground soaked.  It had rained and a thunderstorm was brewing.  He gave me an enormous hug and kissed the side of my cheek goodbye at the entrance to the tube station, he needing to catch a bus home. We made promises to repeat the pleasant experience and I made my way down to the platform.  Later there had been some incredible lightning flashes in the midnight sky as I walked home from the station soaked to the bone.  I wonder if we really would see each other again.  Sometimes those sorts of promises made at parting can easily be forgotten.  The fortress that surrounds my heart still stands but how close had it come to being disturbed?

Is your life imitating art?

Goran asked me that one evening when we were chatting on the phone.  He’d texted me earlier, rather cheekily asking if I might be interested in a booty call.  Alas, he lives an hour away from me.  Even so, earlier in the week when Lars had made a similar request I hadn’t been all that keen to accommodate him.  That evening I’d arranged to have dinner with Jan in town when we were also making more plans over our impending road trip around Iceland later in the summer.  He had had to go home after our date and so I could have gone back with him or even over to Lars’ but I decided to go back home alone.

So it wasn’t as though I was short of opportunities for more licentious encounters; I was simply not interested.  I postponed my date with the new Mr Shy in favour of an impromptu date with an old classmate passing through town.  We met for a drink and it was great catching up with her.  I met another new man but whilst he was interesting to chat to I didn’t feel very keen to continue dating him.  Liam and I had gone to see a play together recently and I feel similarly apathetic about him.

I have come to the conclusion that there is very little sex in Amy’s life at the moment and she doesn’t seem too unhappy for that.   When Goran asked me what I was working on now that the dating novella has been written, I quipped that the current project is called Life after Sex.  It is a new phase and whilst I now tend to believe that sexual infidelity has been given too much weight, my own instincts is still playing catch up.  I ask him about his previous sexual partners and want to know whether he is sleeping with anyone else.   He’s the man of the moment because he is not looking for a commitment from me and seems committed to courting only me as his previous dating attempts had not ended too happily.  Is it possible to date one or two men who themselves don’t care to sleep with anyone other than me and yet be sufficiently open-minded about the fact that I might have sex with anyone who might take my fancy … would I feel similarly about their promiscuity should it occur?

Dating in the nether

When Max suggested that I join the same dating site as he is currently on, little did we realise how inundated with messages my inbox was going to become.  There could be any number of factors at play here – the site is free to register, log in, contact and exchange messages with other members – so possibly the pool is larger, there are search engine categories which can pinpoint exactly those members you want to meet and there are a whole lot of questions which you can go through if you want to be sure that who you’re contacting will not wildly clash with your sensibilities – so for example the Ukip-per should be able to find out that the pale redhead he rather has the hots for might in fact hail from Brazil, and regretfully, swipe left.

The messages I get range from the directly prurient – Hey Amy, you wanna have sex with me in my house today? – to the more considerate and refined, from men who are discerning enough to realise that I have more to offer than just “intimate encounters” (that phrase so popular with our American cousins, only now trickling across the pond) and who are looking for a similar relationship to me – one that is open and honest, non-monogamous and possibly long-term.

It has been a learning curve this dating malarkey – I’ve discovered a slutty side to me, one which rather enjoys all the salacious attention of the opposite sex.  I have dated a total of 12 men in the last 2 weeks, 5 of whom I’ve bedded.  These are in addition to Max, Darren and Jan (yep, Jan who broke my heart a little but was forgiven and returned to Amy’s fold).

I met up midweek with Max for a drink and a show and post theatre nibbles when he rather sagaciously observed that my impending big 50 (next year) might have something to do with my suddenly rampant sex life getting a turbo boost lately. How true is this?  It’s possibly Max’s fault also because when we had that discussion about how many people we’d slept with I realised what a modest number mine was compared to his.  Could it be that I am merely trying to play catch up (yet again – is there a possible disorder here?)

In any event, several interesting things have happened as a result of Amy being upfront about what she’s looking for in the dating arena.  Here’s a snapshot of her dating profile which has garnered the recent avalanche of interest:

I’m looking for

•Everyone

•Ages 35–55

•Near me

•For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating, casual sex

You should message me if

you have read my profile and know what you’re getting yourself into – I’m not looking for a commitment and would prefer someone who doesn’t get jealous at all. So that I know you’re ok about this please include in your message the phrase “I never get jealous”. And don’t be surprised if I don’t reply – I don’t usually make first dates

  1. more than a week in advance,
  2. if I have to travel too far – and
  3. especially not with anyone who hasn’t even bothered to put up a photo.

So it could be the fact that it comes across rather plainly that what I’m looking for is no strings attached sex.  And it is most likely this fact which is responsible for my message box being full to overflowing of late.

Another pleasantly surprising thing that also happened coincidentally to Amy G joining this dating site is that I was given some sex toys last week.  On two consecutive dates, separately, by two very thoughtful and generous men.  These men are clearly very secure about their sexual prowess, contrary to what anyone who have read that article might believe about men and their insecurities at the thought of competing with a vibrator.  And when they discovered that Amy G did not possess any sex toys one of their first thoughts was to remedy the situation.  The encounters with them were additionally enhanced by the employment of such wonderful devices.  I was further treated to a sampling of another man’s collection when I expressed an interest and realised that there was another whole new world to explore.

I also met a couple of people who are keen to introduce me to their orgiastic parties – in fact I’ve been invited to one on Tuesday, which I might actually now be able to join in since one of my dates cancelled our Tuesday evening tryst.