Tag: no

No, thank you.

Please read between the lines.  I declined your invitation but you came back with a revised offer.  I now have to figure out another way to say no without upsetting you too much but also to make it clear that I don’t want another date, ever.  According to Jules whom I met up to say goodbye to last weekend, ignoring text messages is not the done thing, cowardly and leaves him more upset.  I am a coward, I’d rather ignore the invitation but don’t want to upset anyone either.

Tristan:  Hi Ellie.  How’s your week so far?  Seems I have the house to myself this weekend from Friday to Sunday evening.  We should make some plans.  Fancy risking my cooking one of those nights?  You’re welcome to stay over if you like, too.

Me:  Hi Tristan.  My week has not been terribly eventful apart from catching a swarm of bees earlier in the week.  When I went to look in on them this morning I got stung as the weather has been rubbish and they must be quite hungry by now and cross about not being able to forage.  It’s most generous of you but I’m not sure if I am ready for this at the moment and will have to decline.

Tristan:  OK.  Sorry if I’m moving too fast.  Something more ordinary such as another dinner in the West End?  Sorry to hear about the ASBO bees.

a seedy caravan

woke up with this phrase at the tail end of a dream i now can’t remember.   is it a reference to Caravan, that passenger song about endings, loss and bittersweet reminiscences?

i told my lover that i was taking down the blog because it was becoming a distraction from what i wanted to do.  i don’t go on to elaborate because i wasn’t sure if it’s a reaction to his decision last night not to come home with me.  and so if i write that, it would cause him to be frustrated at me as he specifically said he didn’t want me to read into this other than the fact that he was feeling too tired and needed his own space to unwind.

i want to be able to say how i really feel about things and not to feel constrained by his reaction.  the last post was less than honest to spare my lover’s feelings – i don’t want to feel censored as i write and so it would be better if i didn’t have him as an audience.  so i uninvited him from the blog.

perhaps all the relationships i’ve had come to nought because what the ex said a decade ago has some validity – i’m not capable of having a meaningful relationship with anyone since i cannot really let them in on how i really feel – i find it difficult to share my true thoughts and opinions and we never get close to each other.

what can i do that’s different here?  is R someone worth trying to change for, make the effort to keep this relationship going or shall i try and make a new connection?  already i’ve been in touch with someone new from the dating site – we haven’t met except online.  it’s so new i’m treading cautiously still.  why do i go from one lover to the next so easily? how can i even think of dating someone new even as this thing with R has not actually come to an end?  why do i keep trying to end it at every turn?

a one night stand

i met X a couple of years ago at various conferences and seminars and we hit it off because he was that kind of man who had to be in the thick of things.  he introduced me to a couple of well known speakers who probably would have been happy to talk to me anyway i’m sure, not because i was particularly special (i’m definitely not) but because they’re those kinds of professional gods who are completely unaware of their deified status and always wanted to know what people at ground level were thinking.  X thought i would be impressed by his connections i suppose whereas i’d already gone up and gushed over several other professional deities at many of these events. 

i was in a relationship at the time and although i knew that he fancied me and asked me out a few times i’d declined.  since i broke up though i’ve always wondered what might have been?  we were friends on Facebook and when he noticed my single status, wasted no time in asking me out.  we arranged a date for one saturday evening.

we met at the tube station and walked up to the pub.  it was a bit of an uphill climb at one stage and i wondered if he was going to pass out!  anyway we got there and had a couple of drinks.   we talked shop a bit – he made some suggestions about what i could do professionally and eventually i decided to take him to a restaurant at the other end of town.  dinner went well and as we were walking back to the station/bus stop he kissed me good bye and it must have been the excess of alcohol  that i’d had which made me invite him back to the house. 

he was really hyper throughout the evening and eventually i had to surrender to sleep and bade him good night.  he had already climaxed twice which i thought was quite an achievement for someone his age and size.  i’m not keen on cunnilingus but he swept my protestations aside and got down there.  it isn’t rape despite my saying no.  it’s really difficult to explain that i didn’t want him to do it before but whilst he was at it, the physical sensations were overwhelming.  what i was saying no to i suppose was my inevitable loss of control.  there is so much on the news about respecting a woman’s no, clearly he doesn’t keep up with current thought or is dismissive of this campaign.  i guess this is where consent or lack of consent is really a grey area. i don’t feel violated because when it got too much and i pushed him away he did stop.

in the morning i went for a long walk to clear my hangover and left him still asleep.  by 10 i couldn’t wait for him to leave, but social niceties and all that saw me offering him a hot drink.  i found his verboseness quite tedious and when i’d exhausted all my morning goodwill i glanced at the clock and exclaimed that i had pressing engagements to the day.

eventually he left and i closed the front door behind him even before he’d reached the gate. he sent me a text later which i’ve ignored.  i don’t really want to see him again  not because of the rape or non rape issue, but perhaps because he was just someone who was there then when i needed a bit of human touch, and now i’ve realised his is not the touch that satisfied my need. also i can’t really get too excited about seeing him again.