This is as good as it gets

After about a couple of months when we were both busy with other distractions, I contacted Liam again, inviting him to a film and we picked up where we left off – hanging out at a cinema, theatre or restaurant.  We’d had about three platonic dates, although there had been some hand-holding and a deeper kiss at the end of the last but one.  My tendency to imagine a romantic happily-everafter however, was finally laid to rest after last night when we talked about our dating expectations.

We met outside Camden tube station and went shopping for our tea – something simple such as chestnut mushrooms and French beans with rice vermicelli noodles.  Due to his migraine medication we eschewed alcohol in favour of tea and water.  I had green and he black.   We talked about films, books, work, colleagues, friends, my dating adventures, everything else it seems but why I was back at his flat again.   Eventually though I ventured the question and gradually, with a little more probing until finally I established to my satisfaction the basis for our re-connection.   I was good company, open, liberal and sexy.

On the other hand, Liam does not want and cannot foresee our continued dating having the sort of conventional future that dating normally results in.  Perfect, and I don’t mean that ironically – it is exactly what I’ve come to expect now.  What the last year of dating has confirmed for me was precisely this – I am only good enough and no more.   It made seeing him less complicated, as I wouldn’t have to indulge in fruitless searches for hidden motives or feelings since there won’t be any.  We confirmed our next date at a theatre in a fortnight’s time and he walked me back as far as the tube station later that evening.  We kissed our goodbyes and I headed north feeling unexpectedly happier and with a lighter step.  I’ve always liked knowing where things stand at the outset.  It made the whole dating thing less unpredictable and friendships can be forged without misunderstanding.

On relationships

Back in November/December last year when I was still hopeful of meeting the One, when the idea of polyamory was as alien as living on Mars, I recorded this in my diary:-

The fact is that dating many is really quite fun.  I can’t see myself settling down with any of these new dates or anyone for that matter.   It’s possible that I might find romance and love again but there’s no one at the moment who fulfils all my requirements.  Until then I dally and tarry with the ones who might do just for now.

With these I meet up, chat and share the odd evening together.   Of course it’s always fun going on dates and I allow, even indulge myself a fantasy that he might be the one as I prepare to see any one of my current beaux.  I still hedge my bets and don’t quite end things with 2 others and there is a possible 3rd in the wings as this is the time of year when everyone has already made plans, myself included of how we’re to spend the holidays – so as of the present I’ve yet to meet the next one.

My current favourite is a small bespectacled bald nerdy fellow who makes me laugh but seems the most emotionally balanced and kisses really well.  He doesn’t rush things, said that he would prefer not to enter into a physical relationship from the outset for fear that it clouded our reasoning and would rather that we take our time getting to know each other.  We have agreed to be honest about our intentions and he knows that I am keeping my options open and dating others.  He has said that he, on the other hand cannot juggle more than one relationship at a time and is not seeing anyone else.  I too am sceptical about the fate of this relationship because he does not have a good track record – the longest he has ever been with anyone was only 4 months!  But he admitted to being a late starter.

The one who is energetic has moved things up a gear and suggested a more intimate dating activity involving a massage.  I am not so naive to believe that a massage is all that it is.  I don’t feel ready to indulge beyond a massage myself and it will surely be a test of how much I like him enough to go further.

Looking back I do laugh at myself – the late starter bolted at the beginning of the year but has recently got in touch.  When I think of him I am reminded of wary animals in the wild that edge cautiously and circle whatever temptation may be on offer, ready to flee at the slightest threat.  The massage with the adventurer rapidly turned into something more intimate and it was I who fled the scene.

Last week Jan and I attempted to plan a holiday together but the dates have now been moved into the summer due to our separate domestic arrangements.  We made a loose date over the bank holiday weekend to continue discussions.    Max and I in the meantime have slowed down our dates to once a week and spend less time texting or emailing each other – the novelty of getting to know one another has worn off and perhaps the drifting away has begun.  Most of my relationships seem to follow this pattern – a heady start, cooling off and drifting apart followed by a re-acquaintance and friendship.  Where’s the elusive One?  It’s almost sine qua non that he must accept my continued friendships with past lovers.  Lars has an open relationship with his partner where they encourage each other to meet new people all the time.  Our relationship is purely sexual and I believe his partner does not feel threatened or jealous by it.  What is jealousy but a fear that someone else would take our place?  I used to have to coach myself against this negative emotion – it requires a great deal of self-belief and confidence in ourselves and our partners to overcome it – in any event, it’s a useless feeling and I’m less affected by it now even though it still lurks.

Dates with the Physicist, and Max falls out of Favour

I’m really not very good at picking up signals and nuances.  For example, there’s this scientist, Liam I was seeing towards the end of last autumn.  He had said he didn’t want to rush into things, but what happened instead was that we began by kissing at the end of the first date and then arranged a second where he took me back to his place after dinner and the next thing I knew he was slipping on a condom and I was lying in an unmistakably compromising position on his bed.

Several dates went by which ended in a similar fashion and then he began cancelling dates on me.  I took the hint and we clarified the situation in an adult, mature and twenty-first century manner – via text messaging.  We established that he felt rushed and was unhappy about all this meaningless copulation.  He also said that he preferred being one of a few rather than the only one – which at the time, he had been as my relationship with R had just ended.   He also said that he’d rather just hang out than have sex.  I took that to be his way of telling me that he didn’t have the time for an exclusive relationship.  No matter, I’d got used to dating all kinds of unavailable men by then and so I returned to the dating site and met a few more.  Occasionally Liam would send me an invitation to see a film or show at the theatre followed by dinner.  We didn’t venture anywhere near a bed or condom and kissing was restricted to dry pecks on cheeks.  And then there was a long hiatus when even this platonic way of hanging out stopped altogether.

In a moment of weakness about three weeks ago, probably when someone else had bailed on me at the last minute, I sent him a text inviting him out.  It was quite a successful date in terms of the choice of film – Wild Tales which kept us both at the edge of our seat along with many moments of sheer absurdity.  When the film ended we went for a light meal and he seemed fairly interested in all my polyamorous adventures.  Over this he offered to cook for me and experiment further in bed – he was sufficiently sheepish about this turnaround to apologise for it and proffer his acceptance without question and in advance what he expected would be my immediate rejection of this audacious proposition.

Now, despite having had a rather large glass of red wine at the cinema and another with my meal I was sufficiently sober to remember the plus factors about Liam – his stamina, proportionate length and girth of essential parts, unimpeachable manners and sensibilities vis a vis the supply and use of prophylactics and sensuous application of lips and digits.  At the same time I also recalled his diffidence.   So I rather nervously said yes and we made a date two weeks ahead.

In the run up I checked that he was still happy about our date and he sent me the following message:

Yes, I’m definitely still on for Monday. I really don’t mind what we do. If you want to go out somewhere or just hang out, that’s fine with me. It will just be nice to have an evening together.

Bearing in mind how the last time we had sex ended I took this to mean that he now had cold feet.   We went to see Force Majeure instead.  Over dinner, perhaps prompted by how less than perfect the meal was (the soup was quite salty and the mozzarella salad did not contain basil) he again reiterated his previous offer.  I intimated my surprise and told him that I thought he had changed his mind from his last email.  He said that he had merely wanted to give me the option of backing out of it.   So I said yes again and this time, at the end of the date he finally kissed me on the lips.  But who knows what’ll happen in two weeks’ time…

Meanwhile, on my way home I noticed that Max had tried to call.  It gave me a warm glow to see that missed call notification on my phone.  He had also sent me a couple of email messages to which I briefly replied.  When he rang back again I was already tucked up in bed.  So it felt warm and cosy and I settled down to have an already familiar chat routine with this man I’m still determined not to be silly over.

We exchanged news about our day as we usually did and I told him about my busy weekend and date with Liam.  As we were saying goodbye I reminded him about our impending date this Friday.  There was a slight awkwardness when Max apologised for having forgotten about it and said he had made an arrangement he couldn’t back out of.  There was no mistaking my disappointment although I put on a brave front.  If there was anything that could cure my propensity to be silly over someone then Max had certainly succeeded.   I went to sleep feeling let down and comforted myself by detailing all the things I found irritating about him.

Single and Dating again

Amy G is trying out three new beaus for size this week.  She’s met one and there’s another one later today.  On Thursday she’s going on a 3rd date with the one who wasn’t put off after all by the long message detailing her past and present fancies.  She’s already tasted 3 others and decided they weren’t fit for purpose – one had been a little pungent, the second too kinky and the last was definitely a player.

The one last night was a real sweetie and possible keeper.  But I’m still waiting for that spark to light.  So far it went out with R and I’ve not been able to get it back.  Still we made a date this Saturday for a dog walking ramble and more afterwards!  He’s sent me a very complimentary text:

Good morning Amy. I had a lovely evening with you and can’t wait to see you again. You are a gorgeous woman.  See you 3pm Saturday.  x

5pm

Back from the tea time date with the adventurous one – he was definitely nervous and talked too much.  I’m not sure if I could like him – he’s tall, very good looking, full of energy, admitted that I was his first date from the dating site, paid me many comps, says he’s looking for a long term commitment but wants to be sure about what he wants and doesn’t want to make the same mistakes as he’s made in the past, i.e. is hoping to find a meeting of minds than purely a physical connection.  He sent me an email inviting me out for a repeat date next week.  I’m not sure I’ll say yes just yet.