Back in November/December last year when I was still hopeful of meeting the One, when the idea of polyamory was as alien as living on Mars, I recorded this in my diary:-
The fact is that dating many is really quite fun. I can’t see myself settling down with any of these new dates or anyone for that matter. It’s possible that I might find romance and love again but there’s no one at the moment who fulfils all my requirements. Until then I dally and tarry with the ones who might do just for now.
With these I meet up, chat and share the odd evening together. Of course it’s always fun going on dates and I allow, even indulge myself a fantasy that he might be the one as I prepare to see any one of my current beaux. I still hedge my bets and don’t quite end things with 2 others and there is a possible 3rd in the wings as this is the time of year when everyone has already made plans, myself included of how we’re to spend the holidays – so as of the present I’ve yet to meet the next one.
My current favourite is a small bespectacled bald nerdy fellow who makes me laugh but seems the most emotionally balanced and kisses really well. He doesn’t rush things, said that he would prefer not to enter into a physical relationship from the outset for fear that it clouded our reasoning and would rather that we take our time getting to know each other. We have agreed to be honest about our intentions and he knows that I am keeping my options open and dating others. He has said that he, on the other hand cannot juggle more than one relationship at a time and is not seeing anyone else. I too am sceptical about the fate of this relationship because he does not have a good track record – the longest he has ever been with anyone was only 4 months! But he admitted to being a late starter.
The one who is energetic has moved things up a gear and suggested a more intimate dating activity involving a massage. I am not so naive to believe that a massage is all that it is. I don’t feel ready to indulge beyond a massage myself and it will surely be a test of how much I like him enough to go further.
Looking back I do laugh at myself – the late starter bolted at the beginning of the year but has recently got in touch. When I think of him I am reminded of wary animals in the wild that edge cautiously and circle whatever temptation may be on offer, ready to flee at the slightest threat. The massage with the adventurer rapidly turned into something more intimate and it was I who fled the scene.
Last week Jan and I attempted to plan a holiday together but the dates have now been moved into the summer due to our separate domestic arrangements. We made a loose date over the bank holiday weekend to continue discussions. Max and I in the meantime have slowed down our dates to once a week and spend less time texting or emailing each other – the novelty of getting to know one another has worn off and perhaps the drifting away has begun. Most of my relationships seem to follow this pattern – a heady start, cooling off and drifting apart followed by a re-acquaintance and friendship. Where’s the elusive One? It’s almost sine qua non that he must accept my continued friendships with past lovers. Lars has an open relationship with his partner where they encourage each other to meet new people all the time. Our relationship is purely sexual and I believe his partner does not feel threatened or jealous by it. What is jealousy but a fear that someone else would take our place? I used to have to coach myself against this negative emotion – it requires a great deal of self-belief and confidence in ourselves and our partners to overcome it – in any event, it’s a useless feeling and I’m less affected by it now even though it still lurks.