Tag: darkness

a ceramic edge

The significant detail as revealed by my lover –

Was faced with a mid life dilemma the other day.

Oh? What’s that?

Wondering if I can start all over again and how I’d feel or manage that.

Why would you do that?

We may move to another country, start afresh. Maybe not in six months’ time but thereafter …

What would be the impetus for the move?

My wife’s job.

So there we have it. He’s telling me in not so many words that what we have together is for fun right now, only now. It’s impermanent because the future depends on his wife.

But I already knew that – the fun I want is to pretend that we are in love with each other. Or even simply that we can’t bear to be apart from each other. I want the whole caboodle of being in love, romance, good sex of course, and then the break up. As I told Sebastien the other evening – it’s a kind of self harm I indulge in – dating the unavailable man. Not the deliberately cruel type. But the ones who warn me beforehand that they’re already spoken for, or damaged, or have a history of commitment phobia. I love giving my heart away to these types because I crave that pain that comes when our affair must end.

It’s temporary because the nature of our coupling, when we manage to come together, as it were, does not call to angels up on high. The satisfaction, the velocity that impels a lost generation to languish on my shoulder and then be wiped away with a Kleenex after we’d recovered from our climax is very much entrenched in the here and now. My lover is nothing if not assiduous in his need and I a willing supplicant. Mea culpa I acknowledge when he tells me that his wife thinks I am but an idiot.

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Change is in the air

One of my lovers tells me that he has dates with two women and feels that he’s back in the competition saddle again.  This is slightly unsettling news as I had got used to being his only lover.  He called me last night when he knew that I was on a date with someone else.  I’m almost certain that he arranged the dates with the two women as an assurance, to fill a hole, an emptiness;  I think I know for I have felt this way too myself. I understand the need to feel attractive and desired; arranging dates is one way to calm oneself, assuage the doubt that stirs within.

Is it unfair of me to feel as though he has failed a test?  I hadn’t even been aware that I was testing him.  Perhaps I’m looking for constancy after all and however unbalanced  the relationship has been, I’d allowed myself to imagine possibilities so far unvoiced and unexpected.  My own inadequacies temporarily forgotten as I prepare to surrender to feeling disappointed.

But reason cautions me against the disenchantment as I know that having more than one lover doesn’t necessarily mean that one feels less for each.  I myself am fond of the men I return to again and again – each one having a special place in my heart for the way they are, the way each brings out different aspects of me.

Determined to change how I feel and react I refuse to see this new development as failure or rejection.  I am learning to be patient and still, looking forward to the next few weeks and hoping that our relationships can mature into something deeper and true.  It is only with integrity and facing any doubts or fears honestly that I can find fulfilment.

Post Easter shuffling – who remains in the inner circle

I have now struck Darren off my shag portfolio.  That is my only option after getting the following email from him this morning:

Hey Amy

Some disturbing news.
Hope you are good. Sorry for not being in touch but had a few personal issues. 
I have a bad feeling that I may have caught something when we were together and worse that I may have passed it to my wife. I may be overreacting but best to be safe than sure. After our time together I began to feel a bit of an itch in my penis and ignored it at first. It then continued so thought I best get some antibiotics from online thinking it could have been a thrush sort of thing.  This seems to have done job but my wife has had tonsillitis like symptoms for several weeks that are not going away. Looking online this ‘may be’ gonorrhea like symptoms. I am obviously very anxious in case this is the problem. 

As you are the only one I have been with for a long time (>year), do you think you might get your self tested asap for your own benefit and to let me know. If you have got something you want to get rid asap before it does any harm.

You can get a home test kit online.

Please let me know. I hope it is not the case.

My thoughts ran along the lines of – what a paranoid ass.  He had not had the decency to go and get confirmation but was quite content to try and cast blame for his own and his wife’s symptoms.  It was just as well that I’d already received the all clear from the STI clinic and I had the pleasure of letting him know that, as well as throwing in the added sting that he could not be certain of course whether his wife might have picked her own symptoms up from elsewhere and that they might both wish to go and get themselves tested to be sure.

Jan in the meantime is now someone I see as an old friend and we seem to have so much more fun out of bed that we inevitably end up too exhausted to do anything else other than sleep when we do share a bed.  Lars by comparison I only see purely for sex.  I worry that I am too vanilla by comparison but it could be that vanilla is what he enjoys with me after his extreme jaunts with Madame et filles.

Max and I continue testing our boundaries in bed and trying out new adventures outside.  In the middle of one romp his slaps continued up my body from my bottom and we both shocked ourselves by enjoying his slaps on my cheeks.  We talked about this later and agreed that it wasn’t something we were that keen on and it was something of the moment.  The refrain – where will it end – was raised once more – might we try pressure elsewhere in future, his hands on my throat, for example?

Goran meanwhile, has invited me to meet him at a hotel this week.  Whether we end up in bed and how satisfying that experience will be is something I’m sceptical about.

lilith’s sultry song

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Three Lovers by Theodore Gericault

i had him before you and i know him well

he’ll soon tire of you and where will you go?

come to bed with us, and i’ll keep you safe

lovers us three, you, with soft milkiness

drink the honey that pours ‘tween olive lips

of darken’d warm desiring – like heaven

on this earthly bed we can re-create

pools of liquid rapture, embalming love

it’s cold down below, won’t you warm me tonight?

sadness is a sentiment i embrace

eventually.

though first it hits deep within

leaves an unfamiliar flavour on my tongue

i catch my breath, try to breathe

panic

giving way, giving in.

when there’s no reassurance

tears will flow

my accusers ring out their cries

worthless, selfish, thoughtless,

utter failure.

i cannot escape

swallow it all,

no fight left

i surrender

defeated.

time passes and sadness

now my constant companion

i turn to this one and that

still lost, blindly

casting about

no way out.