One of my lovers tells me that he has dates with two women and feels that he’s back in the competition saddle again. This is slightly unsettling news as I had got used to being his only lover. He called me last night when he knew that I was on a date with someone else. I’m almost certain that he arranged the dates with the two women as an assurance, to fill a hole, an emptiness; I think I know for I have felt this way too myself. I understand the need to feel attractive and desired; arranging dates is one way to calm oneself, assuage the doubt that stirs within.
Is it unfair of me to feel as though he has failed a test? I hadn’t even been aware that I was testing him. Perhaps I’m looking for constancy after all and however unbalanced the relationship has been, I’d allowed myself to imagine possibilities so far unvoiced and unexpected. My own inadequacies temporarily forgotten as I prepare to surrender to feeling disappointed.
But reason cautions me against the disenchantment as I know that having more than one lover doesn’t necessarily mean that one feels less for each. I myself am fond of the men I return to again and again – each one having a special place in my heart for the way they are, the way each brings out different aspects of me.
Determined to change how I feel and react I refuse to see this new development as failure or rejection. I am learning to be patient and still, looking forward to the next few weeks and hoping that our relationships can mature into something deeper and true. It is only with integrity and facing any doubts or fears honestly that I can find fulfilment.