a seedy caravan

woke up with this phrase at the tail end of a dream i now can’t remember.   is it a reference to Caravan, that passenger song about endings, loss and bittersweet reminiscences?

i told my lover that i was taking down the blog because it was becoming a distraction from what i wanted to do.  i don’t go on to elaborate because i wasn’t sure if it’s a reaction to his decision last night not to come home with me.  and so if i write that, it would cause him to be frustrated at me as he specifically said he didn’t want me to read into this other than the fact that he was feeling too tired and needed his own space to unwind.

i want to be able to say how i really feel about things and not to feel constrained by his reaction.  the last post was less than honest to spare my lover’s feelings – i don’t want to feel censored as i write and so it would be better if i didn’t have him as an audience.  so i uninvited him from the blog.

perhaps all the relationships i’ve had come to nought because what the ex said a decade ago has some validity – i’m not capable of having a meaningful relationship with anyone since i cannot really let them in on how i really feel – i find it difficult to share my true thoughts and opinions and we never get close to each other.

what can i do that’s different here?  is R someone worth trying to change for, make the effort to keep this relationship going or shall i try and make a new connection?  already i’ve been in touch with someone new from the dating site – we haven’t met except online.  it’s so new i’m treading cautiously still.  why do i go from one lover to the next so easily? how can i even think of dating someone new even as this thing with R has not actually come to an end?  why do i keep trying to end it at every turn?

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