kiss and don’t tell

I grappled over whether to include the following narrative in the blog i share with R but it remains a draft. i don’t want my lover to think i’m posting it to get a reaction from him but as a record of what happened and the struggles i went through thinking on it.  but the words i’ve crafted and the story it tells is all couched to flatter my lover and so it lacks complete honesty.  and so i don’t actually post it there:

last wednesday i went out for drinks and a meal with an old friend/ex-lover and for old time’s sake i invited him back to mine at the end of the evening.  on the way we stop off at the salsa drinks place at the top of the road just as it was closing.   we might have had a little cuddle before falling asleep, but we were both pretty well-oiled and i can’t remember if we did have sex then, most likely not.   in the morning we definitely did – initially i was quite turned on when i noticed his priapic state, but during the actual act i couldn’t help feeling as though i was merely going through the motions perfunctorily.   i tried to focus on coming and for the first time in ages (ever?) was unable to.  i’m not sure if he noticed at all as he was fussing over the condoms and wanted us both to orgasm together.  he knew my preferred position and his hand came round to stroke my clit briefly until i stopped him by taking his hand away and laced our fingers together firmly until he came.

post-coital we chatted about various things – plans for the week, our children, house renovations (yes coincidence), etc..  he was going to let himself out after showering and dressing but i came downstairs and saw him off at the front door.  later in the evening he sent me a text to thank me for the night.  we exchange messages briefly but don’t make any plans to see each other.

the question percolating at the back of my mind is why we do the things we do.  i felt a trifle guilty and wondered if i would or could lie to my lover about the night’s events.  the conversation would never arise where he would ever ask me just as i would never ask him and so the only occasion he might ever know is if he were to read about it here.  and why would i ever reveal my indiscretions – i tell myself that it’s to be an open book so that i can never be accused of being misleading about who i am, what i do.  i want to be honest but it’s my own fault for not being able to articulate these things and as my lover noted previously, it’s just easier to say difficult things in a blogpost.

i may be testing the parameters of this relationship – and i hope to find that there are really none?  but i’ve already been told that – how true is it?   and also if the sex with someone else is so rubbish should i continue to see if that was just a blip and i might enjoy it with another?  i did stop seeing someone else at the end of last month, who although was quite fun in bed was a little too much like L, with whom i broke up last year. 

at the moment things are sweet and very easy with my lover and i should just enjoy it for what it is.  still i went back to the dating site and had a little peep.

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