lying

he obligingly took me to grain store – a modern open plan kitchen/dining and bar, a large scale barn type kind of restaurant.  the food was quite sublime and we had a very enjoyable evening. 

we talked about everything – no subject was too awkward or difficult and the evening just slipped by.  he listened to all my woes patiently and told me some of his own.   it seems really sad that he was away on his own – to norway and then berlin, but perhaps he prefers his own company.  he told me that although he married susie, he wasn’t really in love with her.  i was quite surprised and wonder a little if that could be true.  it turned out that having done a little study of psychiatry he deduced that his ex-wife was in love with an idealised image of a man which wasn’t him.

i think women do this – we cannot just give ourselves bodily to a man without romanticising the connection.  i tell him as much and alluded to our own example.   

as we left the restaurant we agree he could come back to mine since we both seemed to be in need of some human touch.  that night, slightly inebriated the both of us, i’m not sure if we had sex at all but my nightie was on the floor.  certainly in the morning we did and i wonder now why i did it.   of course R does not have to know but if he were to ask me would i lie?  i don’t know where i am with R although he promises he’ll tell me soon.

i said goodbye to him in the morning and later in the evening he sends a text to thank me for last night.  we have a brief exchange of messages and then nothing.  this is how it always is with him.   at least i know where we stand and there is no uncertainty, no romanticising about our relationship.

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