i met X a couple of years ago at various conferences and seminars and we hit it off because he was that kind of man who had to be in the thick of things. he introduced me to a couple of well known speakers who probably would have been happy to talk to me anyway i’m sure, not because i was particularly special (i’m definitely not) but because they’re those kinds of professional gods who are completely unaware of their deified status and always wanted to know what people at ground level were thinking. X thought i would be impressed by his connections i suppose whereas i’d already gone up and gushed over several other professional deities at many of these events.
i was in a relationship at the time and although i knew that he fancied me and asked me out a few times i’d declined. since i broke up though i’ve always wondered what might have been? we were friends on Facebook and when he noticed my single status, wasted no time in asking me out. we arranged a date for one saturday evening.
we met at the tube station and walked up to the pub. it was a bit of an uphill climb at one stage and i wondered if he was going to pass out! anyway we got there and had a couple of drinks. we talked shop a bit – he made some suggestions about what i could do professionally and eventually i decided to take him to a restaurant at the other end of town. dinner went well and as we were walking back to the station/bus stop he kissed me good bye and it must have been the excess of alcohol that i’d had which made me invite him back to the house.
he was really hyper throughout the evening and eventually i had to surrender to sleep and bade him good night. he had already climaxed twice which i thought was quite an achievement for someone his age and size. i’m not keen on cunnilingus but he swept my protestations aside and got down there. it isn’t rape despite my saying no. it’s really difficult to explain that i didn’t want him to do it before but whilst he was at it, the physical sensations were overwhelming. what i was saying no to i suppose was my inevitable loss of control. there is so much on the news about respecting a woman’s no, clearly he doesn’t keep up with current thought or is dismissive of this campaign. i guess this is where consent or lack of consent is really a grey area. i don’t feel violated because when it got too much and i pushed him away he did stop.
in the morning i went for a long walk to clear my hangover and left him still asleep. by 10 i couldn’t wait for him to leave, but social niceties and all that saw me offering him a hot drink. i found his verboseness quite tedious and when i’d exhausted all my morning goodwill i glanced at the clock and exclaimed that i had pressing engagements to the day.
eventually he left and i closed the front door behind him even before he’d reached the gate. he sent me a text later which i’ve ignored. i don’t really want to see him again not because of the rape or non rape issue, but perhaps because he was just someone who was there then when i needed a bit of human touch, and now i’ve realised his is not the touch that satisfied my need. also i can’t really get too excited about seeing him again.