the very first one

shameless hussy

indulging in sexting, i marvelled at my boldness, which truth be told was not of my own initiation.  then as i pressed for a closer encounter,  felt resistance and so backed off.  still, not one to give up, i left the door ajar and eventually a knock came …

on a drunken whim he asked me over one evening and i, shameless hussy went.  perhaps the reason was because i hadn’t had sex in a while, since end of may at least, that i went knowing we would end up in bed.  it was past midnight after all when the invitation was issued.

as i sped along the m1 my mind was racing with anticipation and apprehension. the anticipation was arousing, but the apprehension added an edginess.  i had the usual radio 4 on in the car which at 1am ended with god save the queen.  it was merely white noise to more burning thoughts, replays of conversations we’d had on text or spoken.  so i turned the radio off and then i was on pitch black country lanes before getting to his village, thank you map apps on smartphone!  he wasn’t asleep after all and came out to help me find his house as all the house numbers were obscured in the darkness.

i think we were both quite nervous, me because of my saggy wobbly body, and he for his own self doubting reasons.  he prattled on about doing up his house eventually and my mouth was dry despite the glass of water he’d given me when i arrived.

we sat on his couch in his living room and then he lay down with his head on my lap.  i can’t remember what we talked about, my tummy was making awful rumbly noises which i was sure was putting him off.  he realised i didn’t have any knickers on as he commented on the softness of my skin.  before leaving the house i’d pulled on the dress i’d worn earlier in the day and had decided against wearing any underwear.

after a decent period of time had passed, he suggested we go upstairs.  i had a moment of panic and asked to go to the loo.  as i loitered downstairs asking myself if this was what i wanted, i realised that i knew it was and thought to hell with what he might think of me.  so i went upstairs and stripped off and got under the covers.  when he got into bed he asked me if i wanted all the lights off.  i think ordinarily i would’ve wanted to be in the dark but because this was something quite bold and uncharacteristic of me – i wanted to keep my eyes open and be able to see and not hide the truth of what i was about to do.  in any event there was no penetration although he made me come with his hands.  he has almost feminine hands, slim fingers which stroked and delighted me intimately.  when i’d come quite a few times we lay back. clearly he was exhausted even though he hadn’t climaxed.  i might have tried a little harder if we’d known each other better, but i didn’t and instead turned off the light and we both fell asleep.

somewhere in the middle of the night i got very hot and sweaty and woke up.  i knew i had to get back home before morning and as i leaned over to kiss him goodbye i noticed that  he had become aroused in his sleep. this time he slid inside me from behind and above me.  we got into a hot sweaty tangle as i came over and over again.  still, he didn’t come, for which i was slightly grateful as i wasn’t sure if he would’ve pulled out instead of risking getting me pregnant – he didn’t seem to think it was likely due to my age!   Even so, i think he is a sweet man,  incredibly giving.

and then i was in my car again and as i drove homewards i saw the small silvery sliver of the new moon against a lightening sky.

A conversation with my lover

Him:

Done any more blogging? 😉

Me:

Having a break …  did u fancy contributing to the blog?

Him:

Seriously?

Me:

Sure. I’ll add you as co-author.

Him:

How many other people have you invited? 

Me:

Zero. Why?

Him:

Just wondered! 

Me:

Do u think I should invite more people?

Him:

Not necessarily but a blog is a blog!

Me:

It’s not open to joe bloggs (pardon the pun)

Him:

Ho ho!

Me:

Well it’s only known to u and me

Him:

Ok

Me:

A  bit of trivia re blogspot – it’s sometimes blocked by keyword-based internet filtering systems because of the substring ‘gspot’ … 😀

Him:

Mmm. I don’t think I found yours anyway!! 

Me:

Mmm I beg to differ

Him:

🙂

A couple of minutes pass and then both messages appear simultaneously:

Me:

Was that your roundabout way of asking for a shag at some point in the near future?

Him:

Perhaps we should do it again sometime?

Me:

Ooh yes!  I’d love another kiss or 2

Him:

Mmmm

Me:

What r u doing now?

Him:

Having a beer at home…

Me:

On your tod?

Him:

On my sofa actually but yes…

Me:

Would you like some company? Just an undemanding cuddle?

Him:

Sure!

a second coupling

why is it so hard to do this – dating.  you’d think wisdom and maturity would be a boon this time round.  no more the adolescent awkwardness, the ugly duckling insecurities.  but some things repeat themselves – it’s in my nature, this eagerness to rush things, to couple. The physical pleasure is exquisite in the hands of my considerate lover.  This time we are both bolder – he reveals that he has been chaste in the last 2 weeks and I am left in no doubt of the sensual delights to come.

On the sofa in his living room we sit facing each other as he tells me about his holiday and we talk about our children.  When he suggests that we go upstairs I ask to sit closer for a cuddle, so I lay my head against his chest and his hands stroke me.  I am no longer self conscious about my body.  He leans over and i look up and we kiss.  This time he slips his hands under my dress and bra and cups my breasts.  He lifts up my dress and takes my right breast into his mouth – his lips are gentle and soft and one of his hands plunges into my knickers. He calls that part of my body a dark muscular cave, a place which he says he enjoys feeling with his fingers.  I touch him through his shorts and gradually he takes my hand and guides it under so I can feel how hard he is.

We go up to his room and at the threshold i turn and kiss him – his kisses are soft and sensuous but remembering his lovely hard cock, i slide down and take this into my mouth.  He eventually lies on the bed as I keep pleasuring him with my lips and tongue until truly aroused myself, I move on top of his body, straddling him and with one hand take his cock and slip it into that dark muscular cave.

I remember that he had said before that he liked a woman on top; I certainly found a great deal of pleasure having the upper hand as it were, moving my hips against him, sliding up and down his cock and came several times over, burying my head in his neck as I did.  He asks me if i would like him to wear a condom and i said i didn’t mind as long as he was careful not to come inside me.  He wanted us to climax together and considered briefly whether to put on a condom or continue.  In the end we continued unprotected.   He rolled me over onto my back and continued thrusting into me.  He had to stop for a bit to stop himself from coming.  I managed to stop and lie still for  i did so want it to continue, and he did for a delicious while.  He had asked me what I found pleasurable and it was just the simple possession of his cock inside of me.  Feeling that hard muscular extension of him, gripping it with my vaginal walls was enough to tip me into sexual ecstasy.  He pulled out just before coming.  I always get this feeling of gratification when that happens.  I had after all, already climaxed several times earlier.

Postcoital – we spend a companionable half an hour or so chatting about various things, bees, children, circumcision …  As he was exhausted and I needed to go back to my boys, I left him and drove home – this time the moon was in a neither this nor that shape, the crisp outline of its circle on one side in contrast to the other which was bulging, smudged, on its way to fulness, just not quite.

– who was it who said “sex is the consolation you have when you can’t have love”*.  The question percolating at the back of my mind is this – is it greed to want more good sex and ultimately will either of us want more than just good sex?  What happens then?  past failures on my part haunt me at times – i’m no good in a domestic day-to-day for example.  I long for romance but my critical faculties undo me.  So i settle for now, for good sex with a lover who seems, occasionally in step with me.

Que sera.

* Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Memories of My Melancholy Whores

The following day

Me:

was sorry to leave you last night but hope you slept well x

Him:

Like a log. Thanks for coming over!

Me:

 It was a pleasure x 🙂 but u knew that!

having some doubts:

Could i have misread all the signals?

i think he’s bored with me – evidence for this:

1  he said a few sundays ago that he was feeling jaded

2  he doesn’t ever call me, instead he demands that I call him

3  i make the suggestions about meeting up

4  i’m the one who goes to his house

5  he showed the blog to his mates – he’s a kiss and tell of the worst kind

why i was fooled into thinking he likes me:

a  the sex is good

b  he initiates the texting some of the time

c  he likes our blog but then look at 5 above

d  we’ve started talking about things other than sex

e  he was chaste for 2 weeks before he called me – ok others may have blown him off and i was the only one left on his list.

so this is why dating is such a minefield!  Why am I such an idiot in matters of the heart?

A pleasant and very proper night out

almost smugly side-stepping a family with innumerable toddlers under 5 and a push-chair taking up most of the pavement, we skipped down the busy streets of london, ourselves child-free and relatively carefree in search of sustenance.


meeting mid-week at king’s cross, we chanced upon an unassuming japanese eatery catering to a european palate.   from the moment we paused outside it I knew that we would be stopping there – a young diner had given us the nod and thumbs up as we approached the door.  When we sat down another young woman overheard us discussing an item on the menu and began to wax lyrical over the dishes she’d sampled.  so of course we were hooked.  as both of us were conscious of our mid-life tendency to rubenesque proportions, we were fairly selective in our choice of order.  The man/boy who served us was an ingenuous fellow with whom my dining partner engaged in banter.

it was a most civilised experience – as though we were both quite different people to the ones described in the opening and subsequent posts of this blog.  When I got home I marvelled at our ability to have avoided risqué repartee – I know that I certainly did not rise to some of the bait bandied by him, an innocent comment on the size of fruit, the chill in the air having a noticeable effect on the body, etc…  Being in the public eye it was as if I had adorned myself with the cloak of respectability and circumspection.

I wonder at this new turn in the relationship.  it is at variance with the tone set at the start.  I can only guess that perhaps it is in tune with my body cycle.  I know that since two days previously I have become slightly prone to over-sensitivity.

The animal allure endowed by mother nature to ensure the perpetuation of the species appears to be on the ebb … or perhaps we were simply tired and needed some respite.  at the end of our date, we parted after a brief quick kiss, he to catch his train and i to get on the tube.  later when walking back home i glanced up and saw the super moon ever so slightly on the wane.

Is this the end?

What’s a girl to think

but that the writing’s on the wall.  Tell me my lover if you’re suffering from dementia, reading the chain of events detailed below, whether I’m mistaken in my belief that you’re just not that interested any more:

Monday

Her:

When shall we •two• meet again, in thunder, lightning or  in rain?

Him:

Um dunno. When are you free?

Her:

This evening. You?

Him:

Was hoping to get day of fasting in today!

Wednesday

Him:

If you fancy popping down do but I’m starving and need food!

Her:

Given up on the fast?  Kings cross?

30 minutes pass

I would like to see you but you have to let me know where you want to meet x

Him

Oh yes. 

Ok kings cross. Am leaving now.

Friday

Her:

well, would you like to meet up again?

Him:

Yes of course

Her:

Ok would you like to come to me or …? 

Him:

Not sure when but could come to you sometime

Her:

i don’t mind coming up to you if you want to meet up tonight …

Him:

Feeling horny??

Her:

Maybe.  N u?

Him:

Got my kids tomorrow so not sure

Her:

Ok next week perhaps. let me know if you feel like it

Him:

Ok. I’m sooo tired

Her:

Xx

Sleep well then i don’t feel too terribly raunchy just missing some human touch I guess.

Later

Her:

Did u want a cuddle after all?

Him:

Not tonight thanks! 🙂

Monday  after some text exchanges

Him:

I’m so tired. Need to say night night x

Her:

ok … x night

to sleep, perchance to dream xx

Him:

Indeed. 

Thursday

Her:

N you?  What have you been up to?

Him:

Soooo busy!!! Sorry not been in touch tho

it’s ok, i won’t break – i only have my silly enthusiasm to blame, it runs heedless of any warnings – we’ve had some great sex, banter and the occasional sharing of minds.  i can thank you sincerely for initiating me into the questionable joys of sexting, getting me to look closer at current affairs especially those which make me normally flinch away because of their hopelessness or immense human suffering, for listening to me talk about my son, for being a decent dining companion twice.  it’s been short enough that i won’t miss you too much, after all i’ve already had my heart broken in the greatest possible way 10 years ago, this should feel a mere flea bite – already smiling now that i should look back on this dating misadventure.  I can say I’ve enjoyed spending the little time we’ve had but I need just a tad more to keep going.  I’ve learnt some things about myself, strengths and limitations and i hope we can remain friends.

I know that i value both an independence of mind and freedom of spirit but this not knowing where I stand robs me of my emotional balance.  

Fin?

Him:

Have you uninvited me to read our blog?

Her:

oops – is it our blog again?

Him:

I tried to read it but can’t get in to it!

Her:

It was a simple question you’ve seen it haven’t you? and when you didn’t respond I assumed you’d agreed.

Him:

I read it but wanted to read it again

 Her:
Why?     why would you want to read it again?

A few more days pass,

Her:

Why don’t you ever answer any of my questions??
Him:
I did.  I replied [to why would you want to read it again] “Just checking it for accuracy ;)”

Her:

Tongue in cheek?

Him:

No I thought you’ll miss something out

Her:

 I will?

After some time,

Her:

So the crucial q is whether you think this relationship has any more mileage or if it’s run out of steam. I await your reply. Of course I had hoped there’s more but I was getting rather impatient waiting for the next part

Him:

Sorry I’ve been out of contact a bit. I do think you expect more from me than I am prepared to give though. It was always going to be a lighter relationship I think. It has been fun though and I really appreciate your company

Her:

It has been. I think I realised that.  It doesn’t help that you’ve been so sweet 😉

Him:

Thanks :).  Sorry if I’ve misled you.

Her:

Piss off 😉 x

The last few exchanges helped assuage my feelings of idiocy and we’re back to the easy banter of the early days.  i’m determined not to be as silly over the next one!

Phoenix from the ashes

at 19:25
Him:
So you’re an author now?
at 21:56
Her:
Erm … Where did u hear that??
Him:
The literary world is awash with the gossip! 
Her:
Are u a part of that back stabbing milieu?
Him:
No. I eagerly await my copy of the first edition. 
Her:
As long as you don’t mind a long wait 😉
Him:
🙂
at around 2300
Him:
 What have you been up to tonight?
  …
 23:26
Her
You can’t go round asking me what I do of an evening.  Whatever gave you that idea?
Him
Ummm.
Just trying to titillate myself
 Her
Is it working?
 Him
Sort of
Her 🙂
Him
Am actually very horny
Her
Hmm no one to service your needs?
Him
You? 
Her
Maybe …
Him
Really?
Her
Depends
Him
On…
Her
What did u have in mind
Him
What are you prepared to do?
Her
There’s nothing much I haven’t done with you although I much prefer the real thing
Him
Come round?
Her
Bit too tired to drive anywhere. Plus had a bit to drink
Him
Ok     I really am very hard
Her
You could come here
Him
But I’d have to leave in the night
Her
You can stay to morning. 
 …Him
Ooh I dunno. I guess I could
I’ve had a couple myself though
Her
Let me know if you want to come here I’ll set the alarm in 40 mins 
Him
Ok I’ll come. 
 at 00:34 Him:
I’m here!

Post Fin

i’ve been a tad precipitate to say fin.  through facebook private messaging, i received a rather salacious invitation from my lover last night … i could have turned him away except that for some bizarre reason i didn’t (more of this later).  i was less eager and did not offer to drive to his house – partly because i was tired having gone out for dinner across London earlier in the evening and also having drunk a couple of pints.  So he came over instead.  which is quite a big deal as he hadn’t done so before.

we went round my little house and at the top of the stairs is my room where we stopped of course.  it was a warm evening and i opened a window.  he suggested that we lie down on the bed which we did.  i was in a short cotton dressing gown with an easily accessible front.  he put his right hand down this and began to play with my right breast.  eventually i turned to face him and he brought me closer to him.  i touched his cheek which was stubbly and he rather apologetically stated the obvious – sorry i haven’t shaved in a few days.  i whispered – i don’t mind that.  

when i tried to undo his trousers, he apologised again, this time for wearing jeans with a button-fly.  they weren’t too difficult to unfasten and i made a joke about his stripy grey and black y-front shorts underneath.  i hoped it broke the ice although he might think it ruined the mood.  he was very attentive and solicitous and it’s always pleasurable being fucked by him.  i took him into my mouth and i hoped he found this as sensually delightful as i did.  he put on a condom and we came at the same time.  we laughed at the rubbery odour of it all later and i wondered aloud if i should return them to waitrose and demand a refund (tongue in cheek of course).

we did it again in the morning and this time he came outside me.  i picked up on his self-consciousness about size but really i think he needn’t have been. His cock is of sufficient girth and length to be fit for purpose.  In fact at one stage during our congress he entered a little too far in, a little too roughly and hit a rather tender part inside me which caused me to cry out. he was immediately contrite about this.  

My old friend Jasmine would not have approved of my entertaining my lover last night.  She is of the view that men should be as attentive as they possibly can, following a strict order of progress, for example, 1st date – a kiss on the cheek, 2nd date – on the lips, 3rd – some petting, etc… and woe betide any man if they managed to cause you a moment of distress – you should ruthlessly kick him to the kerb (Jasmine’s own words).  Needless to say she has been through quite a few men on the london dating scene in the last 10 years – her mantra of treat them mean etc clearly works when the one reeling the line is a petite blue-eyed blonde.  We lost touch when we fell out over some trivial matter and she may have found her soulmate by now for all i know.  somehow i’m sceptical, for Jasmine had very high standards, unlike me obviously.

 I am quite happy to entertain a reasonably intelligent and articulate man as long as he not only satisfies me (not difficult this one admittedly) but that he should not be too much hard work to bring to orgasm either.  There are certain body smells that turn me on and equally there are some incredibly powerful off putting ones as well.  I have to date refused to contact 2 men in the odiferous category and 2 of the hard work variety.

 Since my criteria are somewhat different to most women’s I’m quite happy to skip the first 3 bases and find out if we’re physically compatible from the outset – which may inevitably kill the romance somewhat and frighten off most.   And perhaps this explains why i will give my lover the time of day no matter that he is somewhat pre-occupied the majority of the time – he is an assiduously good lover and apart from the hiccup over summer which may have been entirely my fault, one cannot accuse him of being overly demanding, needy or wary of women who know what they like in bed.

 When we parted he called me sweetie, i think, which is only marginally less offensive than baby or babe.  And I laughingly replied – see you next month.  in the meantime i don’t think it is unreasonable that i should continue to date others who show some interest.

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